Tour Riders: The Good, The Bad, and The Ridiculous
There’s this dude JP who works with us who has been claiming he’s a good writer. And since we’re talking about live shows here, he told me that he wrote a story on absurd tour rider items and asked if I would read it. So I gave him a few minutes of my precious time, read it yesterday and actually LOL’ed. I figured I’ve give him a shot. Here it goes:
Tour Riders: The Good, The Bad, and The Ridiculous
The physical and mental rigors of touring certainly can take their toll on any artist or band. Knowing full well the demands that touring can bring, tour and production managers do all in their power to make life easier for performers. Artists generally have the ability to dictate specific requests for everything from particular drinks to dressing room sizes while on tour. While many of these requests can seem perfectly ordinary, others can range from the embarrassing to ultra specific, and, sometimes, down-right ridiculous.
Read the absurdity after the jump…
The Ultra-Specific Boozers
A certain pop-rock band prefers their liquor “scheduled”: while many of the band’s requests seem standard, such as bottles of red wine and canned or bottled beer, the band requests particular hard alcohol on specific days of the week. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays they want Maker’s Mark and Absolut Vodka. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays are reserved for Gin and Jack Daniels. Unlike most people, who recover from hangovers on Sundays, these guys ditch the “day of rest” in favor of Tequila and Jameson. It’s possible that they don’t know what a hangover is anymore. Be on the lookout for their upcoming Chaser ads.
One well-noted, Grammy-winning diva is a big fan of the sauce. While she is frequently spotted with less than all of her faculties on hand, she demands that her entire road crew be sober at all times. Additionally, bottles of Rioja red wine are a must; and, if she spots Stella Artois or Carling beer, heads will roll as they’ve been banned from her tours. How could you shun a beer that inspired such hi-jinks?
The Carb-Conscious
Some performers go for the full-spread when it comes to food on tour, while others looking to maintain their physique by directing their diet needs accordingly. One prominent rapper insists on meals consisting of boneless, skinless chicken breast, turkey burgers without buns, tuna melts, or steak dinners. In addition to packing in the protein at dinner, he demands that cans of Myoplex low carb drinks, low carb protein bars and shakes be stocked in his dressing room. Now I love me some meat just like any other guy, but how could you seriously go Atkins after reading this? I guess it’s healthier than this diet; but, can you argue with results?
One favorite muscle-bound rapper loves his shrimp. He loves it so much that he continually insists and reminds his tour crew with emphasis that his “SHRIMP MUST BE KEPT ON ICE.” In addition to his affinity for this crustacean, he keeps the rest of his protein intake restricted to chicken, while washing it down with the fifths of Hennessy and bottles of Cristal he requires (maybe he didn’t get the memo). His road crew is also on alert that there should be no beef or pork anywhere in the vicinity of his dressing room.
The Cereal Minded
The same male artist who once reminded us that there’s “no such thing as the real world” seems like he indeed lives in a wonderland, at least on tour. Beyond a mile-high laundry list of specific food and beverage products he requires (some organic and some processed), he requests “kids brand cereal” and limits the selection to Captain Crunch, Lucky Charms, Count Chocula, Cookie Crisps, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Apparently, he’s also aware of the damage those particular cereals have on his teeth as he demands four soft-head tooth brushes, two tubes of mint flavored toothpaste (Sensodyne or Tom’s Natural) along with Altoids and organic lip balm. 
(Sidenote: Is Count Chocula real?)
A rock band famous for its many hits on movie soundtracks in the late 90’s has a specific cereal schedule they require on a daily basis. Monday’s are for Frosted Mini-Wheats, Tuesdays are Corn Pops, Wednesdays are Sugar Smacks, Thursdays are Corn Flakes or Cheerios, and Fridays are Frosted Mini-Wheats again. On weekends they eat Life and Raisin Bran respectively (not the most rocked-out cereals), so maybe it’s better to catch one of their shows during the week. I guess it could be worse…
Demanding Divas
Everyone hates traffic. For most people, traffic is an inevitable consequence of driving. Not for one vocally-inclined diva. As her time is more valuable than most (this girl does have pipes), she can’t “encounter any delays due to traffic,” so she has a police escort everywhere she goes on tour. Though, I really can’t fault her, at least she’s trying to get to her fans… at least she doesn’t abuse the privilege like some of her Pop music companions.
Another diva is particularly conscious of the phone line in her dressing room. Not only must the phone line be “UNLISTED OUTGOING ONLY,” but if the line is distributed or if there is an incoming call, there will be a $5000 fine payable by the event promoter. Other major artists caught wind off this demand and decided to toy with her by obtaining the number and prank calling her repeatedly. Good call.
And, in case you need help with your prank call creativity.
Source: The Smoking Gun
March 19th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
this is not written well.
April 1st, 2008 at 1:59 pm
this whole blog is poorly written. the only well-written post was lawrence’s review of the ravonetttes. maybe he should have this job?